Workings of My Mind

Keep going,

Don’t stop thinking

About this, about that

About everything.

My mind is a constant.

It’s wheels constantly turning.

I try to stop it, keep it bottled up.

No one can handle what’s inside my head.

I try to deal with it,

Slow baby steps.

But my mind is a mystery, so I close the book instead.

Around and around again

Go the gears and the thoughts.

A chaotic sound disturbs the peace,

Like the out of rhythm ticking of a hundred thousand clocks.

A constant buzz of thought process.

A steady stream of imaginative excess.

I don’t want a total, voided silence,

I just wish the noise could be a little more quiet.

From the Ashes

Her mind is a raging inferno,

Burning intensely and never ceasing.

Her body is a charcoal meadow

Filled with hollowed stumps and heaps of ash,

A constant reminder of what used to be.

Ravens overhead, her soul,

The only thing strong enough to rise above the devastation,

Soars high above the smoke and debris

To usher in new waves of creation.

Just as the fire turned beauty to ash,

So shall new live breathe it back.

Stuck

I find myself, more and more,

Trapped inside my head.

It’s a beast with an appetite for curiosity;

An appetite so grand it can never be fed.

I don’t know if I can do this.

I don’t know if I am strong enough.

The voices keep growing darker.

They’re dragging me down deeper.

I have to keep fighting.

I have to keep moving, or I’ll be swallowed up.

Gatekeeper

I harbor your secrets.

I understand your greatest fear.

I am intrigued by the vulnerability of those I hold most dear.

The strong smell of pine trees that bring a sudden feeling of sadness,

the melody of a minor key that invites a macabre madness into your mind;

these are the moments that peak my interest.

The fleeting bits of humanity

that slip through the cracks of society

are the reality and beauty

of who a person truly is.

Stillness

I don’t like the sun,

the way its light illuminates every thing and dances about.

I like the moon,

its soft glow, the darkness and the quietness where the truth cries out.

Between Worlds

Have you ever felt as though you’re battling another part of yourself?

Often times you find yourself locked inside of a cage.

You scream and rattle the heavy door,

but there’s not a single sign of help.

It’s like a prison; a containment facility.

It harbors your insanity until you’re forced to give in and set it free.

You live between worlds.

Two halves fighting to become one,

but they can’t find harmony.

Like oil and water, never mixing,

this is how it always has been and this is how it always will be.

It’s a time share of sorts, between two sides of the war.

Once side at a time, fighting this way and that, pulling you out of the darkness and then plunging you right back.

It’s a constant battle zone just trying to keep an even score.

You do your best to go with the motions and try your hardest to guide the beasts.

But, you live between worlds.

When the sun goes down and the shadows begin to creep, the darkness emerges and begins to feast.

You must hold fast to your armor and reinforce the gates.

When the darkness begins to surround you and your vision becomes askew, you must stay strong.

When the tip of the mountains give way to the calm light of day, the darkness will fade away.

Insane

You’re driving me insane.

You’ve got my head spinning in circles.

You’ve got me seeing sounds

and tasting different shades of purple.

I feel like I’m floating

high above my body.

I feel like a ghostly mist.

Whatever I am, I am not me.

I am loving.

I am kind.

I am sweet.

Where did I go?

Is this some cruel game of hide and seek?

You’re tearing me apart.

I’m being ripped right in two.

All the violence, all the heartache,

I don’t know what to do.

You’re like a pit of tar.

Once I was stuck, I wasn’t going anywhere.

You’ve enveloped me in darkness

and pulled me down without a care.

Darkness can change a person.

It can sense each bit of light,

snuff it out

and continue its path of destruction without thinking twice.

You are the other half,

the thing no one can see.

You might live deep down inside,

but you are not me.

I am loving.

I am kind.

I am sweet.

I’ll drown out the dark with so much light

and for once, there will finally be peace.

The shadows will dance

with the flickers of light,

balance will be restored

and all will be right.

A.C.E

I’m Raiden,

nice to meet you.

I’m awkwardly shy and nervous so,

I’ll probably disappear soon.

My hands shake

anytime I get anxious.

The racing heart and sweaty palms

are almost instantaneous.

I’m crazy,

in a good way.

I like to have fun,

be surrounded by those I love

and throw all my worries away.

I’m calm on the surface.

But inside burns a wildfire,

roaring and cascading over everything,

the flames rising higher and higher.

I’m also emotional.

I know, I know, it’s because I’m a lady.

But it’s more than that, so much more.

I feel the vibes of everything and everyone,

the arsenal of chaotic energy.

So yeah,

that’s me.

I’m awkward, crazy and emotional.

It Feels Like Home

Standing in the grass,
Barefoot and alone,
You close your eyes and take a deep breath
Because that moment feels like home.
The smell of rustic pine in the air
And fresh baked cookies on the stove,
You smile
Because in that moment,
You are home.
Sitting around with a few good friends,
Laughing and sharing stories.
You feel a wave of relief
Because you realize in that moment,
You have no worries.
It’s an amazing feeling,
That feeling of ultimate comfort,
That feeling of belonging.
There’s a feeling of a new-found hope
Because in those moments,
However few they may be,
Those moments feel like home.

Words

Jumbled in my mind.
Sporadic.
Grouped together like a school of fish,
Or all alone,
Like the lonely palm on a deserted island.
So many words all at once.
Like a monsoon of metaphors and meanings.
But still, I cannot grasp them to form a singular thought or idea.
From one extreme to the next.
All or nothing.
Sometimes it’s like a forest fire, fierce and roaring.
Other times it’s the flicker of a lightbulb, taking its final spark of life,
Then fading everything to black.
Words don’t always come easy.
The train comes off the track, 
Or the ideas simply vanish into nothing.
But that feeling when everything comes together;
I feel invincible.
Like everything is crystal clear.
Peaceful. Effortless.

Always Remember the 8th of November

In April of 2010,
Our world would change forever.
Leukemia reared its ugly head
And threated to destroy her.
Months of chemo,
Months of fighting,
Months of support
From friends and family.
We cried.
We prayed.
We cherished
Every day.
There were sleepless nights.
There were stressful days.
There were times
When I could hardly think of words to say.
I became comfortably numb
With the walls of that hospital.
My world melted around her bed
And I couldn’t see anything else at all.
False hope,
Broken hearts,
Cryptic screams
And shattered dreams.
She held on long enough
To attend my graduation.
But shortly after
Came the end of the remission.
Back to the hospital.
Back to those four walls.
Back to the feeling
Of not being able to speak at all.
Halloween 2010,
Our world would stand still.
Her presence at home,
Would cease to be filled.
Eight days later,
She would take her last breath.
Surrounded by loved ones,
She took the hand of death.
The 8th of November,
Is a time to remember
Her laughter,
Her smile,
Her love.
The 8th of November,
Is a time to reflect
On the memories,
The happiness
Of our guardian angel above.
Always remember
The 8th of November.

Dedicated to Karen D. Carr. A wife, a mother, a sister, a best friend, a beautiful soul. 

Sometimes

Sometimes the nights get too dark
And the light can’t find a crack to seep through.
Sometimes the pain hurts too much
And I struggle, trying to figure out my next move.
Sometimes my tears
Threaten to drown me where I’ve fallen.
Sometimes I can’t make up my mind.
Am I out? Am I in?
Sometimes I get so close to giving up.
Even though I know I won’t, the thought is still there.
Sometimes these moments feel like they last forever.
Stuck on repeat, dancing without a care.
Sometimes stories don’t have happy endings.
Sometimes there’s nothing more you can do,
But sit back, take a deep breath
And get used to the view.
Sometimes it feels like it won’t get better.
But please, there’s one thing you need to know;
No matter what you’re going through, 
No matter how small you may feel, 
No matter how much pain you feel inside,
You are never, ever, alone.

I Wish I Was Better

I wish I was better
At telling people what I’m thinking.
I wish I could get the words out of my mind
And arrange them all pretty and neat.
I wish I was better
At expressing how I feel.
I wish I could find the emotions
And make them real.
To say that, makes it seem
Like I don’t feel anything at all.
But, the reality is, I get overwhelmed.
All these emotions make me feel 3 inches tall.
I wish I was better at making friends,
So that not everyone leaves me
Picking up pieces in the end.
I wish I was better
At coping with my depression.
The meds never work
And neither do therapy sessions.
I wish I was better
At controlling my anxiety
So that I could go on about my life
And not have a care or worry.
I wish I was better
At almost everything in my life.
But I have good family and friends,
I have good days
And I know things will turn out alright.

For Her

Your laugh, your personality,
Sparked my interest.
You stirred something inside me
That I thought had faded to dust.
You made me feel a feeling
that I had come to no longer trust.
You brightened my day,
You filled my thoughts,
But my own foolish mind
Drove me away.
I came back with mind, 
Heart and spirit free
And you still showed favor
In me.
I thought I’d lost your vote forever.
I thought you had slipped from grasp.
But now I am grateful
That I’ve found you again at last.
I feel something inside
That I often rarely understand.
It’s a feeling of connection,
Something my mind can never grasp.
It’s a matter of the heart
Working together with the mind,
The two working together to make peace.
They see and embrace the feelings
Through every sense and eye.
You’ve turned my world
Into an imaginative sea of color,
My heart into a sound being.
You’ve helped me taste freedom
And let my soul escape, cage free.
Whatever comes our way,
There will always be fun.
We make our life how we want it,
The laughter, smiles and memories
And shall continue to do so
Until we are finally gone.

You

You’re carefree.
I’m a shut in.
You’re stunning and beautiful
And I’m average at best.
You’re a wild child
And I’m a daughter of the moon.
You make me want to feel
Like I can do anything I set my mind to.
You’re a kaleidoscope of color
And I’m a black and white slate.
When we met, it was beautiful.
But now, it seems like we met by fate.
We’re two sides of the same coin;
Two halves of a metaphorical body.
But the more we talk, the more we interact,
The more it feels like we are the same, fluid puzzle piece.
You are the light.
I am the darkness.
You cast beautiful shadows in my soul
And it’s peaceful at last.
You are everything that drives my mind wild
And I am everything that keeps you sane.
My soul is quiet and mild
But you drive me insane. 
I don’t ever want to let that feeling disappear.
I want to keep you close.
I want your energy
To always be near.
You are the storm
And I am the land.
You can wreak havoc,
But here I’ll still stand.
Your beautiful disaster
Is a thought provoking anecdote
And it’s nice to know that I’m never alone.
You
And me
Will always
Be.
 

No One Warned Me

There are days,
Sometimes more often than not,
Where I can barely get myself out of bed,
When my strength has been all but shot.
There are times too,
More often here recently,
When my heart feels pain,
As if it’s actually breaking.
Some days my head feels ready to explode
And it’s all I can do to keep myself afloat.
There are days when the sun light
Ceases to reach me,
When the clouds are so thick
That the air becomes harder and harder to breathe.
I feel as though the pretty pictures and shiny trinkets
Were cruel tricks of illusion,
As though my hopes and dreams were scattered
To nothing more than pathetic delusions.
I knew deep down
That there would be pain and heart ache.
But no one warned me
That it would feel this way.
I do my best to stay on top
Of this beast that lives inside.
I do my best to stand my ground
And make the most out of my life.
Some days it feels like I’m utterly alone,
That no one understands.
But just as it seems like I’m about to give in,
You’re there to grab my hand.
You’re the one who helps me through
The pain, the anxiety, the feelings of emptiness.
You pull me up and help me out
Of depression’s ruthless grip.

A Dream

She stood at the edge,
Where the cliff met the sea.
She closed her eyes
And deeply she breathed.
She inhaled the salty air,
Felt the warm ocean breeze
And for a moment, for that moment,
She truly believed.
She lifted her arms
And smiled to the sky above.
She leaped from the cliff,
Soaring up like a dove.
Her arms sprouted wings
And she flew over the sea.
But when she opened her eyes,
She realized it was only a dream.
She sighed and sat down
On the cliff by the sea.
Her thoughts continued to fly
And her mind filled with glee.
For it was then that she realized
She was right where she was meant to be.
She closed her eyes and inhaled the sea breeze.
She laid back on the grass and let her thoughts run free.
 

Just In Case You Missed It!

Hey guys, Rai here!

I am so excited to see and hear your reactions to my first book! If you missed it, or haven't heard about it, I am here to announce it again! Through The Keyhole is now for sale. This book is compiled of poems that I wrote during my high school years and is a prelude to a series I am working on. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, it is my hope that my words will bring comfort to those who are struggling in their daily lives and to let them know that they are never alone. If you want to check this out or buy my book, you can do so at amazon by following the link on my website. 

The Darkest Nights

The wind howls.
The trees sway.
How do I stop
Feeling this way?
My head’s full to bursting.
The voices, they scream.
It feels like I’m being
Ripped apart at the seams.
But I look in the mirror
And my figure looks fine.
Could I really be making
All this up in my mind?
The lights, the sounds,
My ears, they explode.
My heart, my being
Feels ready to implode.
I open my mouth,
But no sound is heard.
I scream with the strength of a hundred men
And yet, not a single sound is heard.
The sun shines through the smoke,
Covering everything with light.
But it doesn’t begin to illuminate
The darkest of nights.
The fire rages on.
The voices still scream.
Someone please help;
Tell me it’s all just a dream.
So many words rush to the surface;
So many thoughts cloud my mind.
I’m forced to sit and wait.
I’m forced to the back of the line.
I must break free.
I must not give in.
I can’t let them take over.
I can’t let them win.
But then, the sun shines through,
Showering everything with light.
I just hope it’s enough
To drown out the darkest of nights.